We must, as Miller points out, learn to admit the reality of who we are – including the “childish” aspects that have always been present within us, and will continue to be present within us until we die. We must learn to love – or at minimum respect – the parts of ourselves we have hated and despised for so long. To break it means that we must face our shadow – the aspects of ourselves that were once so undesirable or unsustainable in our early lives – and become like children again: that is, to be needy and vulnerable, to awaken our curiosity, to learn to be fully present in the now, to learn to drop our judgments, to be trusting about the future, and more concerned about finding joy than about making an impression. I have never met a client who wants to repeat this cycle for his children, nor who wants to keep living it for himself. Worse, if we have children, these “qualities” we once considered “mature and strong points” become the very qualities that will pressure our own children into repeating the painful cycle of repression(self-denial). Not having needs, not feeling the right to be vulnerable, compulsively needing to take care of other adults, not being able to enjoy the moment, not being able to stop worrying about money or impressing others, not being able to drop our judgments and see clearly – all of these things kill the joy of being, and they certainly don’t offer to negotiate us anything very positive in our adult lives. Though we may have believed we succeeded in the short term, escaping and destroying are never positive long-term solutions.Īnd if this false negotiation “gets us through” our childhood, it certainly becomes a big albatross around our neck as adults. But to the extent that we believed as children that our “childish” aspects were unwelcome in our world (or, that only “adult” aspects were valued), that is the extent to which we disowned those “childish” parts of ourselves and tried, unsuccessfully, to escape or destroy them. Being a child necessarily means being weak, vulnerable, and needy, and it also means being curious, non-judgmental, non-“accomplishing”, fully present in the now, unconcerned about the future, money, and economic growth, and impressing the world. Miller eloquently demonstrated that just because we decide (or are forced) to be “mini-adults” as children does not mean we cut our “childishness” out of ourselves like an unwanted part, a piece of trash, or some sort of disease. Years ago, I discovered the work of Alice Miller, a Swiss psychologist who eloquently treated this very point in her seminal works, including The Body Never Lies, The Truth Will Set You Free, and The Drama of the Gifted Child. It is said that nothing is forgotten, and I do believe this is true. These are nice people, they want to succeed, they want to be good parents, they want to be kind and do meaningful work in the world, but they self-sabotage in spite of their efforts, and they often find themselves turning in painful circles. C lients often come to me indirectly because, for one reason or another – death, illness, addiction in the family, neglect, abuse, or other acute or sustained trauma, however major or minor – their childhoods weren’t really childhoods, and now as adults they are fighting every day against the unrecognizable shadow of the child who has remained stuck in them, unable to move or express himself fully, and still feeling guilty and ashamed about the very aspects that make them as adults, well, childish.
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